There is a segment like this: Mai Lin is very frugal. She has a daughter and a son, and often the older one’s clothes are passed down to the younger one. So, it’s common for the younger brother to wear clothes that his sister can no longer wear. Even the Hanfu, which was bought by Li Xingliang, that the daughter really liked and cost only a few tens of yuan, was returned by Mai Lin on the grounds that it fit perfectly, children grow up quickly, and they won’t be able to wear it for a few days.
Screenshot of the show’s related content▲
So, here comes the question,should children be raised in poverty or wealth? Will raising in poverty make children feel inferior? Or will raising in wealth make children have no concept of money, causing them to squander money when they grow up or even become neet?
On the surface, Mai Lin and Li Xingliang’s family has a decent income and can easily fulfill the children’s wish to buy a Hanfu for a few tens of yuan. But the mother, Mai Lin, still chooses to refuse, because in her view, this is indeed a “low cost-performance ratio” unreasonable demand, and should not be indulged.
Ignoring the child’s desire to try/experience new things, the child may feel that their feelings (like or dislike) are not important, and the parents’ principles are the most important. Over time, this will affect the child’s exploration of interests and even affect their creative nature. This is also a key point that many parents overlook:When we focus too much on the cost-performance ratio of goods, it is easy to overlook the important role they play in the growth process of children.
This seemingly reasonable parenting method actually sows the seeds of self-doubt in the child’s heart.
Interest is the spark of talent. For curious children,how their enthusiasm for exploring the unknown is responded to will profoundly affect the shaping of their personality. Especially when parents directly refuse the child’s needs for economic reasons, the child will often receive the following negative implications:
First Trauma: Low Sense of Deserving
They feel that they do not deserve love, do not deserve to pursue dreams, do not deserve a better life, and all desires have become a heavy sense of guilt. As a result, these children are accustomed to restraining their own needs. Every restraint leaves a deep scar in their hearts. Behind the seemingly sensible appearance, there is unspeakable fear and anxiety. They are afraid of longing, afraid of expectations, and afraid of the consequences becoming bigger and bigger like a snowball.Even when they grow up, they still live in the heart of that child who dares not to hope, protecting their fragile hearts with self-deprecation.
Growing up in a scarce environment, children always repeatedly question whether they deserve any opportunities, whether they are worth any resources.This feeling is like a distorted mirror, making them unable to see their own value. Even if they are recognized and successful, their hearts still echo the whispers of the past: Do you really deserve to have these?
Second Trauma: Persistent Self-Doubt
But many times, these feelings are imagined by the child, not facts. Why do children think this way? It is related to their past experiences, perhaps being subjectively judged after failure, perhaps normal needs being suppressed, including material and emotional needs.
The scarcity of parents’ satisfaction of children’s needs makes children have a deep-rooted self-doubt, making them hesitate, look before and after, and use excessive modesty to cover up their inner uncertainty, and constantly deny themselves to prevent possible losses.
After entering junior high school, the girl was always ridiculed by others. She clearly remembered a male deskmate from a not-so-poor family said to her, “Can you stop wearing such ugly clothes, can you dress like a girl?”
At that time, she was really crying on the way home, but she didn’t dare to ask her parents for anything, afraid of burdening them, afraid of being scolded, afraid that they would think raising her was a mistake. So, when she later found out that her family was not as poor as she imagined, and even better off than many of her classmates, the girl actually hated them a bit.
Her parents instilled in her from a young age that a girl, being able to go to school, was already very good, and they always described to her how hard they had it when they were children, and that the child should be grateful for the life where she could eat and wear warm clothes. However,they never thought about how desperate and helpless the girl’s childhood, composed of ridicule and scolding, was, nor did they consider that the deep-rooted inferiority and weakness would accompany the girl for life.
Until she grew up, the girl always felt that there were some things in this world that she didn’t deserve: she didn’t deserve friendship and love, and she even thought at one point that she would be alone for life. When shopping, she always looked at the price first, was particularly particular about money, envied and was jealous of girls with average family conditions who spent money without blinking, and her vision and pattern were fixed in a small world, wanting to break free but confused and weak.
Third Trauma: Learned Helplessness
They habitually start every story of regret with “if only the family conditions were better at the beginning,”shelving the possibility of change. This mode of thinking is like a carefully woven cage, making them wander back and forth between self-denial and environmental attribution,losing the courage and strength to shape a different life.
Under this mindset, they always freeze themselves in that helpless, abandoned role of fate, using their family’s poverty as a perfect excuse for their retreat and giving up.These ideas attribute failure to their background, evade personal responsibility, and fall into a circle of self-imposed limitations..
. Many parents suppress their children excessively, and the underlying psychology is jealousy hidden in the subconscious. You might wonder: “Really? I love my child so much, how could I be jealous of them?”
Let’s share a consultation story:
Why does the mother have such emotions?
The mother recalls her childhood when her family was not very well-off, and toys were also very few, the only plush toy accompanied her until she left home for college, and at that time, the fur on that toy was all gone. She couldn’t bear to ask her parents to buy her a plush toy, and she could only regard the only toy as the only one.
Thinking of this, the mother’s heart always aches a little. That little girl used to like plush toys as much as her daughter does now, but she has never been able to satisfy the dream of having a toy.
Later, the mother talked to the psychological consultant about this, and the consultant asked the mother: “What can we do for that girl now?”
—“Buy a toy that I have wanted since childhood!” The mother suddenly realized.
Finally, the mother bought for herself a plush toy that she had dreamed of since childhood, the kind that is very big, with a lot of fur, and feels very secure when holding. At this moment, she felt that the memories of her childhood were gradually becoming warm.
Where is the scale to meet children’s needs?
For example, Hanfu for a few tens of yuan, special food when visiting scenic spots, etc., parents may judge it as “expensive and unreasonable” based on material value. But for children, in the growth process, having fresh attempts that are different from what they usually come into contact with is a unique and precious experience.
And those parents who were raised by “poverty” can also take this opportunity to re-examine and heal themselves. Because true richness is not about the amount of material, but about the calmness and freedom of the heart. Only by stepping out of the shadow of scarcity can we truly give the next generation warm and nourishing love.
Yin Ping
