Parents Beware: This Subconscious Questioning Can Make Children Silent and Unwilling to Communicate

Summer vacation is a “high-frequency period” for parent-child interaction, but also a “high-pressure period”.

The holiday that was originally expected to be spent well with the family often becomes silent and unwilling to share with you because of a few careless words.

Have you noticed:

As a child, they are also very aggrieved:
“Why does my mother always discourage me with a single sentence every time I speak enthusiastically?”

As a parent, of course, it’s not that you don’t love him/her, but –Unintentionally, habitually “dampened their spirits”.

Consequences of being a “Dampening Parent”:

The first thing a child loses is the courage to “get close to you”

We often say that we want to cultivate children’s expressiveness, self-confidence, and desire to explore, but the foundation of these psychological energies is precisely the child’s initial enthusiasm – once it is struck, rebuilding will be extremely difficult.

Children who are dampened may:

• 🤐 Gradually lose the desire to share: No longer want to talk, no longer want to perform, feeling that no one will really care

• High sensitivity: Always feel “I’m not good enough” “I’ll be laughed at if I say it out”

• 😑 Parent-child estrangement: More and more responses to your care with “um” “okay” “nothing”, and the distance between parents and children is getting farther and farther.

They seem to be becoming “rebellious” or “indifferent”, but in fact, they are just protecting themselves.

Take a test, are you a “dampening parent”?

The following interactive questions are adapted from real parent-child conversations. See how many “emotional minefields” you can avoid?

As a child, when receiving the above inappropriate responses, the inner voice may be:

“Why can’t I control myself when I don’t mean to dampen the spirits?”

Many parents actually regret it afterwards: “Why did I say this kind of thing again?” In fact, you didn’t mean to, but you were unconsciously led by your own past experiences and emotions.

The following are several psychological mechanisms commonly related to “dampening responses” in psychology:

Some parents may have this experience:

When the child seriously says, “I want to be a painter, screenwriter, game designer,” you wanted to support, but suddenly changed your words –“Do you think this can be a meal?”

This sentence seems to be denying the child, but in fact, it is more like shouting at the “once failed to pursue dreams of their own”. yourself inside.

Projective identification is a psychological defense mechanism where parents project their own inner fears and desires onto their children, unconsciously controlling them to achieve what they could not.

For example, if a parent was forced to give up a love for painting due to family opposition, they might unconsciously project this unfulfilled dream onto their child, hoping the child will pursue it, but at the same time, they may fear the child’s failure and thus discourage them from even trying.

Some parents may have grown up in an environment where they were constantly criticized and compared, leading them to internalize these negative interactions as a “normal” way of communication.

As a result, they may unconsciously repeat these patterns with their own children, dampen the child’s enthusiasm, and create a cycle of negative communication.

Some parents may fear their child’s growing independence, as it represents a loss of control and a challenge to their own identity as a parent.

This fear can lead to unconscious attempts to undermine the child’s confidence and keep them dependent.

How to Break Free from the “Dampening Parent” Label?

To avoid dampening your child’s spirit, it’s important to cultivate a few key communication habits:

Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand their feelings and needs.

For example, if your child is excited about a drawing they made, respond with enthusiasm and interest, rather than focusing on comparisons or criticisms.

Acknowledge and praise your child’s efforts and improvements, rather than just focusing on outcomes or comparing them to others.

For example, if your child has been practicing a musical instrument and is showing improvement, recognize their dedication and hard work.

Support your child’s independence by allowing them to make choices and take responsibility for their actions.

For example, if your child wants to plan a weekend outing with friends, help them consider the details but let them take the lead in making decisions.

Create an environment where your child feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism.

For example, if your child shares a concern or a dream, listen actively and respond with support and understanding.

Conclusion

Parenting is a journey of growth for both parents and children. It’s essential to be aware of the impact our words and actions can have on our children’s self-esteem and motivation.

By cultivating positive communication habits and being mindful of the psychological mechanisms that can lead to dampening responses, we can foster an environment that nurtures our children’s confidence and independence.

Let’s strive to be parents who uplift and encourage, rather than dampen, our children’s spirits.