Does Yelling Damage the Prefrontal Cortex and Make Children Less Smart?

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Some time ago, I received a consultation that left a deep impression on me.

A mother visited me, well-dressed but with the expression of a Elementary School Student who had just made a mistake. Instead of rushing to talk about her child’s problem, she sat there, fiddling with the strap of her bag.

After a long silence, she suddenly asked me with red eyes, “Doctor, I’m so worried. It seems like I yelled at my child yesterday and now they seem stupid.”

The incident happened the night before.

With the winter vacation coming to an end and the child’s homework still half unfinished, the whole family was on high alert.

She sat next to the child, watching him write, and became increasingly angry –

The handwriting was so messy it looked like symbols, simple arithmetic problems were filled in randomly,

one moment he wanted water, one moment he looked for an eraser, one moment he went to the bathroom

……

Looking at her anxious eyes, I felt quite uncomfortable.

As a child psychologist who has treated countless children and also a mother of two who occasionally collapses in the middle of the night, I understand this “rush homework – get angry – yell – regret – blame” cycle all too well.

Especially as the school season approaches, this anxiety spreads in almost every household.

Today, let’s not talk about grand principles. I want to sit across from you, heart-to-heart, and discuss this topic that keeps countless parents awake at night.

Many parents have described this scene to me: “After yelling, the child was like a wooden man. At that moment, he seemed really stupid, unable to understand even the simplest words.”

Don’t worry, your child is not getting stupid, he’s “crashed”.

Although our brains have evolved to have advanced cortices (the prefrontal cortex), when danger arises, we still rely on the “primitive brain” that governs instincts.

When a child encounters an adult who is larger than them and yelling, their amygdala (a part of the “primitive brain”) will instantly sound the alarm.

The brain immediately orders: survival is key!

After all, in terms of primitive instincts, “running fast” is a thousand times more important than “solving math problems”.

But at home, the child can neither fight you nor escape, so their body automatically chooses the third path: freezing .

Because all the energy has been taken to preserve life, it can’t grab resources and has to stop working. [1]

This is why when you yell and ask, “Haven’t I explained this before? Where’s your brain?” the child seems unresponsive.

He’s not refusing to answer, he’s temporarily lost the ability to think physiologically. At that moment, he has only one thing on his mind: “How do I survive this?”

This is probably the answer the mother most wants to know.

We need to distinguish between ‘Occasionally losing one’s temper’ and ‘Long-term abuse’.

However, if this stress is long-term and toxic, it’s a different story.

If the brain is constantly immersed in high concentrations of stress hormones (cortisol) , problems will indeed arise [2] :

• The amygdala becomes overly sensitive: The alarm is too sensitive, and the child thinks they are going to be hit just because someone closes a door loudly;

• The hippocampus doesn’t want to work: Memory becomes poor, and learning is indeed affected;

• The prefrontal cortex stops working: Emotional control weakens due to long-term disuse.

So, the truth is: Long-term verbal violence is indeed toxic, but the occasional emotional venting by most ordinary parents does not fall into this category.

Reading this, I guess you’re a bit relieved, but still feeling blocked.

Please stop and hug yourself, who feels guilty.

This article is not to judge parents.

In the clinic, I have seen too many parents who have lost control. They don’t love their children any less, they are just too tired.

Modern parenting is a marathon with no finish line, and for anyone, parenting is not an easy task. Work, mortgages, studies, when your brain is already “overloaded” due to fatigue, a small action from your child can be the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Even many times when we yell at our children, it’s because we see ourselves as helpless when we were young. There is a term in psychology called “the ghost in the nursery.” When you yell, maybe subconsciously you are attacking yourself, who was once yelled at by parents and powerless.

Seeing this is not to make excuses, but for self-acceptance.

A parent full of self-hatred finds it hard to give their child high-quality love.

Psychologist Winnicott said: What we need to be is not a perfect mother, but a “60-point mother”.

Real relationships are not always calm, but are made up of countless “screw-ups” and “repairs”.

Some studies have even found that parent-child relationships that have experienced “conflict-repair” have higher trust than those that have never had a quarrel.  Because children learn one thing: “Even if we quarrel, love still exists, and I am safe.” [1]

So, if you can’t help but yell at your child, don’t dwell on self-blame, try to do these three steps:

Back to the beginning of the article, I told the mother: “Your child is not stupid. He was able to clearly describe what he was thinking just now, and he was curiously playing with my assessment tools. His brain is functioning normally.”

What truly hurts children is never the occasional high volume, but the cold humiliation, long-term neglect, and the arrogance that never apologizes.

The brain is changing throughout life.

Even if we have made mistakes in the past, as long as we start from today, take one more deep breath, give one more hug, say “I’m sorry” sincerely one more time, those damaged neural connections will grow again in love.

Love is the best neurotrophic factor.