Anxiety-Prone Parents: Hold These 3 Boundaries to Keep Worry from Becoming a “Curse”

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In the consulting room, I often encounter such parents. The first sentence they say when they sit down is often not about their child, but about themselves:

Their expressions are usually contradictory, on the one hand is a strong sense of self-blame : “Am I not doing well enough?” On the other hand, there is a deep sense of powerlessness : “But I have really tried my best.”

If you have ever worried like this, I want to say an important conclusion first: Parents who think repeatedly, “Will my anxiety affect my child?” often care about their children far more than they can imagine.

One more thing needs to be clarified – anxiety itself is not the problem.

From the perspective of psychological development, children do not automatically become insecure or develop significant anxiety and powerlessness just because their parents “have anxiety.”

What truly burdens children is never anxiety itself, but –

When the anxiety of adults is not caught by themselves but quietly falls on the children, the burden arises from this.

This situation is rarely intentional and usually occurs in some very daily and familiar interaction scenes.

This is the most common and least noticeable situation.

Parents are not “emotional towards their children,” but they are not aware that it is actually their own emotions, but regard it as the child’s problem, even understanding it as a character flaw or a future hidden danger.

In life, this situation often has such a familiar trajectory:

• Cause: “The homework is not finished this time…”

• Quickly becomes: “Why are you always like this?”

• Then becomes: “What are you going to do in the future?”

These transitions sometimes happen very quickly, even within a single sentence . But what it really exposes is not how serious the child’s problem is, but – the adult’s fear has been transferred to the child.

On the surface, it is a reminder and supervision of the child, but the invisible subtext in the heart is: “I am very scared, I am very uneasy, I need you not to worry me.”

For children, this pressure is often double. Not only are they responsible for their own affairs, but they also silently take on a task:

“I will perform better so that mom and dad will not be so scared.”

There is another situation that is more concealed and more easily misunderstood as “intimacy.”

For example, some parents will repeatedly discuss life pressures in front of their children: “Now the money is so tight, you must strive for success.” “Now the environment is not good, if you don’t study well, what will we do?”

Or, when feeling down, confide in the child: “I really can’t hold on anymore.” “I only have you.”

Even without explicit demands, many children will automatically enter the role of “being sensible” .

They will suppress their emotions and carefully adjust their behavior, hoping to make adults feel better with their performance.

In the emotional structure, children are pushed into a position that does not belong to their stage of development:

They begin to bear the psychological weight that should be borne by adults.

There is another more daily and easily overlooked form of expression.

For example, as soon as the child makes a mistake, they are immediately corrected . Even before things happen, they are repeatedly reminded and rehearsed for the worst outcomes.

These behaviors seem to be “responsible” and “worried,” but in the long run, the message children receive is often: I must be careful all the time and not make mistakes to make you feel at ease.

If you notice these changes in your child, it is worth stopping and paying attention:

• Excessive apologizing, excessive explaining

• Repeatedly soothing you: “Don’t be angry”

• Unusually sensitive to your emotions, carefully observing your state

When children spend a lot of mental energy on sensing and regulating adults’ emotions, it often means – the emotional boundaries in the parent-child relationship are becoming blurred.

What should parents do to protect their children even in anxiety?

We cannot always maintain emotional stability in the process of parenting.

But we can strive to do one thing: to keep anxiety on the adult side.

When you notice anxiety rising, you can first say to yourself in your heart: “This is my emotion, not the child’s problem.”

You don’t need to solve the anxiety immediately, but you can avoid educating and reasoning when you are highly anxious. This step itself is blocking the intergenerational transmission of emotion (transgenerational transmission of emotion) .

Many parents mistakenly believe: “As long as I don’t show it, my child won’t be affected.”

But in fact, emotions that are named and interpreted are far safer than those that are denied and suppressed.

You can try to express it clearly and with clear boundaries:

• “Mom has been a bit anxious lately, but this is an adult matter.”

• “Dad is a bit nervous now and needs to be quiet for a while.”

• “It’s not your fault, I’m dealing with my own feelings.”

What children learn from this is not a burden, but an important message: Emotions can be spoken, adults are responsible for and capable of handling their own emotions.

Research also shows that in family environments where emotions are clearly named, children are more likely to develop good emotional regulation skills and secure attachment. (secure attachment) .

Many times, the reason parents unconsciously bring emotions into the parent-child relationship is not because they don’t understand the truth, but because – there is really no other place to bear these emotions.

You can try to establish a support system for yourself:

• A friend who can listen to you without giving advice in a hurry ;

  
  

• A partner with clearer division of labor and emotional support;

  
  

• A stable, professional consulting relationship , so that the recurring anxiety and powerlessness have a place to be taken seriously.

When parents have more than one emotional outlet , children naturally do not have to bear so much invisible weight .

From this perspective, parents establishing a support system for themselves is not only self-care but also silently asking the child to return to their position as a child.

Emotions are not enemies

They are lessons worth learning together

In the consulting room, I often feel regret for some parents.

Not because they are anxious, but because from childhood to adulthood, few people have really taught them: how to get along with emotions.

Anxiety, tension, fear, are often regarded as things that need to be immediately suppressed, overcome , rather than experiences that can be understood, regulated, and carried .

But emotions are never monsters. They are more like the ripples in life that spread out in circles – they come, they recede, and they reappear at different stages.

What really hurts people is often not the emotion itself, but having to bear it alone without tools or support.

When parents start to seriously face their own anxiety and learn how to understand, name, and regulate it, this is not only taking care of their children but also making up for a missing lesson in their own lives.

When emotions are no longer hurriedly pushed away, but gently placed back on the adult side, what children gain is not only a sense of security but also an important life skill – I can have emotions, and I can learn to live with them.

This ability will truly accompany children through the ups and downs of life.