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A while ago, I received a mother and her son, a scene that is still unforgettable to me.
The child is 8 years old and in the third grade. The mother sat in the诊室, her eyes welling up as she spoke, her voice filled with a deep sense of helplessness, she felt heartbroken for her child, yet felt powerless to help:
“Dr. Xiong, I don’t have high expectations for my child’s studies, just finish the homework. What really breaks me down… is that he can’t make friends at school at all.”
The mother described the scene every day after school: other children in groups of three or five, walking and making noise; only her son, with his school bag on his back, walking alone at the edge of the group. Sometimes he wanted to join in and listen to others talking, just opened his mouth, and then shrank back.
“He doesn’t not want to play with others, he just doesn’t know how to start.”
And at school, the situation is even worse. A classmate bumps into him, others might just be accidental, but he thinks “you did it on purpose,” and he pushes back. Over time, the students all avoid him and call him “strange temper” behind his back.
Listening to this mother’s cry, I especially want to tell her, and tell all parents facing the same dilemma:
This is really not the child being “bad,” nor is it that you haven’t taught them well.
This is a typical social difficulty associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
The child’s brain is just a beat slower than their peers on the “brakes” and “steering wheel” of social interaction.
“The 10 minutes after school” is the toughest for children
Many parents don’t understand: “The teacher said he was quite well-behaved during class, how come he ‘goes crazy’ or ‘becomes silly’ as soon as class is over?”
In fact, the ten minutes after school is the moment when the social deficits of children with ADHD are most completely exposed.
If we compare being in class to driving on a “fully enclosed highway,” with guardrails (rules) and navigation (teacher) , the child just needs to hold the steering wheel and follow, generally without making mistakes. Then the free time after school is like throwing a new driver into a busy intersection without traffic lights.
The rules are gone, the brain “crashes”
In the classroom, when to speak and when to act are clearly instructed. The prefrontal cortex of children with ADHD ( the area responsible for planning and control) is relatively underdeveloped, and they rely heavily on this “external structure” .
As soon as school is over, the instructions are gone.
“Who should I look for now?”
“How can I join the conversation without embarrassment?”
“Are they laughing because they are happy or are they laughing at me?”
These complex social judgments require the brain to operate at high speed. Ordinary children can handle it naturally, but children with ADHD can’t keep up, and they appear to be “standing in place” or “butting in”.
Signal overload, like “the traffic lights at the intersection are out”
At the end of the day, dozens of children are talking, running, and screaming at the same time.
This high-density social environment is like a rush hour intersection suddenly losing its traffic lights for children with ADHD.
They can’t allocate their attention, and they easily “miss” key information or “misread” others’ expressions.
As a result, misunderstandings arise – he thinks others are staring at him, but in fact, they are just daydreaming.
No referee, the conflict escalates in an instant
Children with ADHD have weak impulse control. When they are supervised by a teacher, they can endure; but on the way home from school, there is no “referee”, and once there is a push, the “brake pads” in their brain often fail.
Someone bumps into me → I think he has malicious intent → I push back → a fight breaks out.
This process may only take a few seconds.
Rejected, not because of “badness,” but “different frequency”
Psychology professor Betsy Hoza’s classic research points out: The risk of ADHD children being rejected by peers is much higher than that of ordinary children, and this rejection often forms in a short period of time [1] .
The most heartbreaking thing is that the child himself knows it.
Many children with ADHD are actually very sensitive. They can keenly feel the coldness of their classmates, see others not including themselves in the fun, and feel more upset than anyone else.
The 8-year-old boy once said to me: “I just want them to like me, but I don’t know what they want.”
They don’t want to be outcasts, they just have the “social rhythm” wrong :
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Others are still observing, he has already rushed up;
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Others are just joking, he takes it seriously;
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Others want to take turns playing, he wants to play by himself all the time.
3 “Social Tips” to Help Children Regain Friendship
The good news is that social skills, like muscles, can be improved through practice. We don’t need our children to be the “most popular,” just help them not to be isolated.
The following three moves are the most practical and down-to-earth methods reported by parents in clinical practice.
First move: Teach children several “learn and use” social scripts
Many times children “freeze” there because they have no words in their minds. We need to prepare a few “social scripts” for them, practice them at home like a little drama, and let them speak fluently.
Scenario ①: How to join others without being abrupt?
Wrong approach: Suddenly rush over and shout “Take me to play!”, or directly grab toys.
Reference script: Teach children to watch from the side for a while (counting 10 numbers) , and when everyone pauses, ask with a smile:
“Wow, this looks really fun, can I join?”
or: “Are you talking about Lego? I really like this too.”
Scenario ②: How to save face when rejected?
Children with ADHD fear rejection the most, as they have thin skin and are easily agitated.
Disentanglement script: Tell the child that if a classmate says “no,” it’s not because you’re not good, maybe it’s just full. Teach him to shrug and say:
“Well, I’ll come next time.”
Then turn around and do something else. This turn, both decent and handsome.
Scenario ③: When encountering conflicts, express “pain” first
Children are prone to regard accidents as malice.
Wrong approach: “Why did you hit me!” (directly take action)
Defense script: Teach children to take a deep breath, or speak out their feelings loudly:
“Ouch! You hurt me!”
Most children will stop and apologize when they hear this, and the conflict will not escalate.
Second move: Implement the “One Friend” strategy
Research has found that as long as there is one stable friend, the anxiety and rejection feelings of children with ADHD will be greatly reduced [2] .
Don’t be greedy, one is enough. This one friend is the “lifebuoy” for children in the social ocean.
How to do it?
Observe: Ask your child which classmate’s name they often mention recently? Or who is more gentle and patient?
Group up: Contact the other parent and arrange a short playdate (for example, arrange to play in the park for 30 minutes on the weekend, or come over to play with Lego) .
Control the field: The time should not be too long, stop while it’s good. End when the child is having the most fun, leaving the other party with the impression that “he is quite interesting”.
Third move: “Mental Buffer” before school
Before picking up your child from school, or before they leave in the morning, give them a “booster shot” to reduce their fear of those 10 minutes.
You can say to your child:
“Baby, if you can’t find anyone to play with after school for a while, it’s okay, you can come to mom first.”
“If you don’t know how to start, try using the phrase ‘count me in’ we practiced?”
This gives the child a safe exit. When he knows that “it’s okay to fail, mom is waiting for me,” he will be more relaxed and perform better.
I often say to parents: “Socializing is a child’s ability, but the sense of security in socializing is given by the parents.” As parents, what we need to do most is not to rush up and solve all the problems for him, nor to blame him when he encounters a setback, “Why did you cause trouble again?”
What we need to do is to see his struggle.
When he is rejected, misunderstood, and comes over dejected, give him a big hug and tell him:
“It’s okay, we’ll take it slow. You’re not strange, you just need a little time.”
When that “10 minutes after school” is no longer a nightmare, the child’s world will slowly brighten up.
Peer Review Expert Sun Hui
Distinct Health Psychologist
Master of Applied Psychology, Southwest University
References
Disclaimer: The article is intended to provide general health information, and personal medical issues should be consulted with a doctor. For article reprints, please contact: medicine@distinctclinic.com.
